If you’re one of the millions who suffer from CMBS (Chronic Mosquito Bite Syndrome), the one joy you might have is in killing them: be it with the palm of your hand or a delightful mass-killing mosquito machine that should definitely be taken off the market.
But fly swatters are so 1980s. Rolled up newspapers are actually medieval. Let the machines handle it. There is no greater pleasure than pretending you’re wiping out an entire mosquito community with your grotesquely overpriced $400 mosquito vacuum.
The human mind has invented seemingly infinite ways to kill mosquitoes and for this, we should be thankful.
Below is an unfortunately abbreviated list of some of the most innovative mosquito killing devices on the market right now.
The Bug-A-Salt allows you to shoot salt bullets at a wide variety of pests: mosquitoes, flies, you name it. Or as one reviewer poetically described it, “Opened it up, poured in the salt and laid waste to my enemies. Doesn’t leave bug guts on painted walls so your wife won’t get on you. Mosquitos explode in mid air, moths go down like a $20 hooker!”
For when you want to eliminate an entire generation of mosquitoes, but with a softer, more feminine touch.
Popular everywhere in the world except here, “the executioner” is an electrified tennis racket that allows you to both murder skeeters and pretend you’re Serena Williams. You’re not.
With this long handled bug swatter, you can imagine that you’re a medieval knight attacking a nefarious enemy instead of a grown adult killing a tiny thing that’ll die in the next three minutes anyway.
Though technically not a mosquito killer per se, this vacuum does allow you to suck up bugs and lock them in tightly sealed plastic jail. Sure, this is a kid’s toy and you’re *supposed* to liberate them afterwards but … c’mon. Who does that?
Part mosquito fogger, part leaf blower, this all-in-one sprayer lets you clean up your yard while simultaneously terrorizing drivers passing by.
Double fans suck the mosquitoes in so they can be instantly killed on an electrified grid. Keeee-yoot!
It’s a vacuum cleaner for mosquitoes without any of the pesky bug splatter. Now that’s a mass death we can all get behind!
9. Photonic Fence Bug Zapper, TBD
The Phototonic Fence Bug Zapper is rumored to be able to kill unnecessary pests in a 100-meter radius by measuring their form, velocity and acceleration. The Fence is currently in trial with the Department of Agriculture and I’ll be the first to get it when it’s released, so step aside, you heathens.
None of us will rest until a sizable (but not environmentally destabilizing) amount of these mosquitoes are gone.